Effortlessly witty? Sorry, that ship has sailed.

Smile, you're on Candid Camera

2012-02-16T20:55:00.006-05:00

About once a month, I feel like I'm on Candid Camera.

This morning, while walking home after my run, this lady pulled up next to me, rolled down her window and shouted: 'There's a skunk up there, there's a skunk up there!"

I looked at her, puzzled, because:
(1) I couldn't quite hear her since I was wearing headphones
(2) I wasn't entirely sure whom she was shouting at
(3) Where the heck is "up there" because the street goes on for miles
(4) Was the skunk going to jump on me and eat my face?

For the rest of my 2 minute walk home, my eyes kept darting back and forth - from the foot of bushes to recycling bins to the empty road to the empty sidewalk. And the whole time I thought, "Fuck, is this skunk going to spray me or eat my face... or both? AM I ON CANDID CAMERA?"

When in doubt, the other guy is an idiot

2012-02-16T20:50:00.002-05:00

I emailed Koach about my fucked up friend's latest saga.

Koach writes: "After reading X's plight, it occurred to me: Is it us? Is it that our lives are so simple that we don't find ourselves in these bull shit situations? But then I realized he's an idiot."

Me: "Hhahah, when I read the 'Is it us?' bit, I suddenly heard it voice-over style, with you narrating over flashbacks of our lives."

Justina - work wife, joach

2012-02-16T20:46:00.001-05:00

I have appointed myself as my Work Husband's life coach.

So while KC koaches me; I joach my husband.

I must admit it is great fun to boss him around! But, bloody hell, if only he would take my advice.

Koaching funnies, take 234

2012-02-14T13:24:00.004-05:00

Koach asks how LK and I feel about all-you-can-eat sushi.

Me: Ugh, I can’t do all you can eat!

Koach: Like, physically or willfully?

Me: Both, I think!

Koach: At the rate you throw up, I think you can physically do it........and I can break down your will!

LK: I don’t believe this is what a coach does, but seeing how this is Koach, I guess K is re-writing the rules.

Koach: My methods may not be traditional, but they sure are effective!

Hhahahhaha!

Reunited with a fountain of wisdom (hahaha!)

2012-02-12T10:30:00.004-05:00

I was reunited with my Original Life Coach yesterday!

Quick background: a friend of mine went into the life coaching business over a year ago. KC used to make fun of the whole concept, until he appointed himself to be my Koach. The one difference between Coach and Koach: Coach gets paid by strangers; I am Koach's only client.. and I'm the pro bono case.

I was very excited about yesterday's reunion. I always have tons of stories to tell Coach, and he always has a lot of insight to offer.

When I told Coach about my latest stalker situation, he said, "Didn't something similar happen to you last year?"

"You remembered!" I gushed.

Coach taught me that insecurities can turn people into assholes.

I even told Coach about Koach!

I did not see this one coming

2012-02-12T10:13:00.005-05:00

It's always disappointing to learn a friend is dating an immature douchebag. Said immaturity and douchebaggery is enough to make me not want to make any effort to know that person.

But what if it suddenly becomes apparently that it is my friend who is an immature douchebag? Then, frankly, I immediate lose any respect for the person my friend is dating and do not want to make any effort to know them. Throw into all this, of course, is a friendship assessment, STAT.

A rare recommendation

2012-02-09T20:46:00.005-05:00

For the past 24 hours, I've been obsessed with a particular blog.

Let it be known that most blogs bore me because, simply put, most people bore me.

But this... my god, this is something else. I've sent the author a message to know that his words are very poignant and genuine because it's one thing to have a blog, it's another to know people are reading it, but it's an entirely different thing to know that your words have moved someone.

Click here to see the blog that's done the nearly impossible -- capture my attention.

Any chance of a marathon would be very, very far away

2012-02-09T20:44:00.003-05:00

Seeing my running stats in this format... I fear an obsession is bubbling.

Taking all the glory, denying any responsibility

2012-02-08T19:44:00.003-05:00

Whenever I say something really clever, Koach says, "I can see my Koaching has paid off!"

Whenever I say something ridiculous, Koach says, "I'm just a Koach, not a miracle worker."

Lesson of the day

2012-02-08T19:17:00.002-05:00

Some friendships have a best before date. And when I'm the only one who acknowledges the best before date, things become awkward.

I'm not saying I hate you and I wish we'd never met. But you need to accept that the best of it is long over, and your attempts at making regular small talk reek of desperation -- which goes against my rule that one should not beg for friendship. It's how you maintain dignity and self-respect.

Third trimester

2012-02-08T19:12:00.000-05:00

A very pregnant orange.

Update

2012-02-02T22:21:00.004-05:00

I have finally found something to help with my stomach issues: lemon juice!

It allowed me to NOT throw up most days last week. You cannot begin to imagine how incredibly happy this makes me. After countless tests and medications, there's finally a solution (of some sort).

I even had FIVE apples this week. This is a big deal because I haven't been able to eat apples in years. The flesh is very dense, so throwing up apples was always a horrible thing. So I just stayed away from them.

But now, now I can enjoy apples again. Fucking eh!

Phone funnies

2012-02-02T22:16:00.002-05:00

Why is it that when you call your credit card company, you are asked to punch in your credit card number, followed by the number sign?

Don't credit card numbers all have the same number of digits?

Worse is when I call my insurance company and have to say my alpha-numeric client ID. Because, more likely than not, the machine can't understand what I am saying, and I will start shouting, "Agent, agent, AGENT!!!" Only to be told that before an agent can assist me, I need to provide the correct client ID. Argh!

The face, it's always about the face. Except when it's not, I guess.

2012-02-02T22:10:00.001-05:00

PC: "Justina, you would be a really good host of a children's television show."

Me: "Ew! Why would you say that to me?"

PC: "Your facial expressions are so animated!"

The funny thing is, AN used to tell me there should be a flip book of my facial expressions. He found them all very amusing.

Phew, dodged that bullet

2012-02-02T22:06:00.003-05:00

My friend and I were discussing the bitterness of a mutual friend. Said bitterness has apparently reached epic proportions. Unlike my non-bitter friend, I am no longer in regular contact with bitter friend. As such, this doesn't affect me all that much.

But, of course, because I am so self-absorbed, during our conversation, I blurt out, "Ohmygod, what if I ever become that bitter?!"

"Justina, you're too chill to ever become bitter."

So I was right last night (see here) - I am easy going!

Photographs will always be #1, but videos are a close 2nd

2012-02-02T21:34:00.004-05:00

Exciting news! I've posted a video of my Chilean adventures. It's great fun.

I think I'll start doing this for all future trips. Because while it's great to see photos of people I've met, it's that much better to be able to remember them in action!

For those of you who are interested, the video is up on Facebook and Picasa.

Trading creativity for... fitness?

2012-02-02T21:31:00.006-05:00

Recent research has shown that creativity peaks late at night. Which leaves me FUCKED since I've started going to bed at 10:30 so that I can wake up at 5:30 to run. (This doesn't happen every single day, but I do need to keep a relatively consistent sleeping schedule.)

Really now? Should early birds be penalized? Keep in mind that, in my deepest core, I am actually a night owl.

Completing my manuscript just became that much more daunting. Sorry, make that, "Starting my manuscript just became that much more daunting." Because how in the world is that supposed to happen when I am asleep at my creative peak?

Me, a contestant on a reality show?

2012-02-02T21:25:00.005-05:00

"Justina, you should be a contestant on Survivor."

"Oh?"

"Yeah. I feel like you would win. They only vote off people who are physically strong or strategic. You are neither of these things."

"But you do know that I have feelings, right?"

For the record, I have no idea how Survivor works.

Oh! I made a cameo on an episode of Spain's version of The Amazing Race (which is another show I've never watched). Fun times!

Temper, temper!

2012-02-01T20:01:00.005-05:00

I've found a successful recipe for being easy going:

- I try not to sweat the small stuff. Inconsequential things are just that - inconsequential - and not worth more than the inconveniences they have caused.

- I have a terribly short attention span.

- I find humour in a lot of things.

But I'm beginning to think this may not be such a good thing. Because when I get annoyed or pissed off, I make sure everyone knows it.

I should probably stop telling people that I know you

2012-02-01T19:21:00.003-05:00

For the most part, I do a pretty good job at compartmentalizing. For example, "She's a shit boss, but a really good mom." Or, "He's a great husband, but a shit teacher."

And on the rarest of rare occasions, I need to step back and evaluate someone. Maybe they are just shitty all around - shit employee, shit husband, shit dad, shit friend, shit son. A SHITTY PERSON.

Of course, on a self-absorbed level, there's this horror that you know a piece of shit. *Shudder*

I'm too self-aware to know I'm not shy

2012-02-01T19:15:00.001-05:00

This woman told me that I am shy.

When I questioned her, she insisted that I am shy.

I didn't have the heart to tell her she's mistaking bitchiness for shyness.

Ying Yang Face

2012-02-01T19:00:00.003-05:00

I have one of those faces that make people want to ask me for help (with directions, with mailing a letter - more on this later, etc). But I also have one of those faces that people want to help.

Which is why I've decided that I have Ying Yang Face.

Seriously, I just made this.

It's like I am at once helpful and helpless. How many people can say that?

***

True story: I was standing in line at the post office and the middle-aged woman in front of me was about to write on a blank envelope. She even had a piece of paper with an address on it. She turns to me and asks me where she should write the address. When I told her to write it in the middle of the envelope, she wanted to know if she should write her address there. After I told her the return address should be at the upper left hand corner, she proceeded to write it. But she became extremely worried as she did not write her name above the address and had not left enough room for her to insert it.

It was quite bizarre. Like, I felt like I was on Candid Camera.

Wise words from Koach's Korner

2012-01-17T23:02:00.001-05:00

Koach and I discuss running jackets.

Koach: "I still don't understand why they're so long in the back."

Me: "While ass coverage isn't an absolute must, I see the appeal. As I have practically no fat on my ass, it does get cold easily."

Koach: "Isn't that why people wear PANTS?"

Hilarious!

Sneak peek, Chile edition

2012-01-17T22:35:00.009-05:00

Here are some top shots from my trip.

This first one has been deemed THE shot of the trip. It took a lot of clicking to get this photo. Flamingo at Los Flamencos National Reserve:

Torres del Paine National Park:

Geysers del Tatio:

Valle de la Luna (Valley of the Moon):

The landscape of the Valley of the Moon was just incredible.

Salar de Atacama, the largest salt flats in Chile. This is about 8 photos "stitched" together.

Also taken at Salar de Atacama. I like that the road seems endless.

Penguins!

That's it for a sneak peek. The rest of the photos will be posted on Facebook and Picasa.

Pet Peeve #18

2012-01-17T22:25:00.002-05:00

I seem to have an incredible amount of patience for a lot of things (trust me, this surprises me), but I will never, ever have patience for:

1. Stupidity
2. Inefficiency
3. Girl shit

Re: #1 -- It's self-explanatory. If you don't get it, then you're probably stupid, and I don't have the patience to explain this to you.

Re: #2 -- Just get it done. JUST GET IT DONE!!! If your inefficiency impacts my productivity, I get extremely annoyed. I mean, c'mon, JUST GET YOUR SHIT DONE.

Re: #3 -- Having attended an all-girl school in Grades 1, (most of) 2, 9, 10, 11, and 12, I am very familiar with girl shit. Which is probably why I have zero tolerance for it.

Updated: The Siamese Album

2012-01-17T21:15:00.001-05:00

I feel like this is quite common -- the Siamese M&M:

This next photo was sent to be by KT, who wrote, "Here's a mutant potato to add to your mutant photo collection. Siamese potato heads or, as Vegan Entrée calls said, potato boobs." How sweet of my friend to think of me when she sees mutant veg!

Mushrooms!

Cherries!

More mushrooms! (This were taken years before the first picture was taken.)

Words from the road

2012-01-08T23:31:00.000-05:00

LK once wrote me, "Your Best Boyfriend told me that travel defines him. Isn't that sad?"

Puzzled, I replied, "How is that sad? Travel defines me, too."

A light debate ensues, over what defines us versus what may, in fact, be our passions. Perhaps it was a fruitless exercise, as I feel travel both defines me (surely, not 100%) and is a passion as well. Maybe I just like to double dip?

Here's what I know:
- I have set up a life so that if I want to backpack around Chile over Christmas break, there's not much stopping me.
- I can take off over the holidays and no one will guilt trip me for not spending it at home.
- Travel energizes me in an indescribable way. Sure, there will always be long tiring days on the road, and heaps of time spent waiting in what feels like the smallest airport in the world (which, coincidentally, is where I am writing this). But there are those days on the road when I just get this high from feeling so incredibly alive and free and appreciative and humble.

It's on the first day of any trip that I miss traveling most. I love living out of a backpack, I love not knowing where my mediocre map-reading skills will take me, I love pointing at random items on the menu and wondering what will be brought to the table.

Add to that, I've met some really great people on my travels. (To be fair, I have met my share -- maybe more than my share, come to think of it -- of losers and douchebags as well. I returned from a trip last year with a stalker. It's quite a funny story but one to be told in person, not over blog.).

I spent the majority of my time in Chile with a Swiss girl. We hit it off from the get go. We were talking about how easy it is to meet people on the road, how people are much less guarded while traveling. At home, it's nearly impossible to make eye contact with a stranger without getting a blank stare or dirty look in return.

Together, the Swiss and I made quite the team: she speaks five languages; I have Lonely Planet's offline Spanish-English translator. She cooks; I do the dishes. She pets stray dogs; I've learned that letting out high-pitched screams in the presence of stray dogs is a bad idea. She talks in her sleep; I snore. She says "wee-fee"; I say "wi-fi".

Then there's always the internal countdown to when it's time to say goodbye. Bidding farewell to a worthy travel companion, while difficult and sad, does make me extremely grateful for having met them in the first place. As I've mentioned in previous posts, I miss people on a very intense level, and I always do my best to express gratitude.

Life out of a backpack is very immediate. Troubles of Real Life can easily be pushed aside. I don't want to romanticize travel too, too much, and I fully acknowledge the escapist nature of it.

It hit me this morning that I am flying home tomorrow night. Post-trip depression during a trip makes my head spin.

Christmas wish

2011-12-21T08:36:00.004-05:00

Santa got my letter asking for a gay husband or a work husband!

In just one night (last night), I managed to score both a gay husband AND a work husband. Go me!

Year-end wrap-up

2011-12-18T21:42:00.002-05:00

It's been one roller coaster of a year. I was off to a very, very rough start.

The number of blog entries written over the last 12 or so months is quite telling of the state I was in:

Things are much better now. My Funny and Awesome are now back in full force. Thank fucking god because I was worried that I'd lost them for good.

A year-end wrap-up would be incomplete without some Lessons of the Year, so here goes:

You do you; I'll do me
WK taught me this when we were both being ostracized by these crazy mean-spirited bastards (it's quite a horrible story, but not one I can share here, unfortunately). It means that I only need to be concerned with being me, and that I have no control of what other people do. This nugget of wisdom came in quite handy during my two weeks in Central America. I was with the oddest group of people but still had a amazing time because I only had to be concerned with being myself. Hey, sure you're absolutely devoid of intelligence, personality, and humour, but whatever!

Compassion is a wonderful and beautiful thing
I met this guy on my travels and we were having one of those rare uncontrived conversations (oh, c'mon, you know the ones I'm talking about). At one point, I said, "Your Top 3 Qualities. Go." "Compassionate, great sense of humour..." I went deaf after hearing the first two qualities because I was busy thinking of how to propose. I was crushed upon realizing that marriage to a vagabond would likely end in heartbreak. But, seriously, exercise compassion. Please, I beg of you.

Do not take people for granted
I have made it a point to show gratitude to all my friends who helped me get through this year. LK has always downplayed her role: "J, I didn't do anything. It was all you." I am indebted to her, forever. Please don't believe her if she tells you otherwise (which she will).

Forgiveness is not the same as turning a blind eye
Some people simply need to have their balls busted; others need to be forgiven because, like us, they're not perfect. Funny story: I got into a fight with my sister a few months ago. I decided to run off some steam. Afterwards, I called LK and shouted, "My running tights and I have one thing in common: we're both terribly unforgiving!"

Time heals an imaginable amount.
A very important friendship crumbled right before my eyes a year ago. It devastated me to no end. Things are nowhere near where they used to be, but we have finally reached the point where I no longer refer to her as the friend who <insert all the shit that went down in spectacular fashion>. This makes me smile.

It isn't always about me. Sometimes it's about someone else.
This one, my friends, I guarantee was a lesson indeed.

If it's worth it, you will make the effort, regardless.
If something is worth it, you make the effort. No excuses. If you don't, at least own the fact that you're unwilling to put in the time. Don't shower me with your bullshit excuses, because one day I will come to my senses.

You don't need to talk it to death; just offer to listen.
Not everyone wants you to analyze their problems for them and hear your assessment of their troubles, character flaws, insecurities, etc. Sometimes, the best thing you can do for a friend, or even an acquaintance who has no one else to turn to, is simply offer to listen when they're ready to talk. And mean it.

Regret - necessary for a small minority, useless for the rest of us.
Regret serves little purpose unless you have (a) a time machine; (b) the ability to change people who refuse to change.

***

That's it from the fountain of wisdom, kids.

Don't miss your favourite blogger too, too much over the next 3 weeks. I'll be back in no time, blogging about all the shit no one cares about. Well, students anyway. Apparently all the things I want to have a student blogger blog about are not things that occupy the minds of students. *Eye roll* Hhahahah!

Five things I don't have to check off

2011-12-16T20:23:00.004-05:00

Have you read the bit on the Top Five Regrets of the Dying? If not, click here.

I can say with great certainty that I would not have to check off any of these now. Hopefully, I will be just as certain when I'm on my deathbed.

Procrastination - my one true gift, my talent, my passion

2011-12-15T20:57:00.002-05:00

I am thoroughly talented in the art of procrastination. That's it, I'm adding it to my Top Ten Life Skills.

Bloody hell, it is time to stop blogging and get some work done. ARGH.

I'll pass on the fountain of youth, thank you very much

2011-12-15T20:51:00.003-05:00

I ran some problems by my young friends today. Neither of them really knew what to say since they and their friends have yet to experience such problems.

Which, while annoying (I was really hoping for some advice), was kind of... nice. To be young and shielded.

That said, I would not want to go back to that age. Come to think of it, I don't want to go back to any age. I've had great fun at various ages, but I'm happy with where I am right now. Maybe when I'm old and decrepit, I'll take any age but my age. But for now, I'm good, so I'll stop building that time machine.

Update

2011-12-15T20:41:00.004-05:00

Regular vomiting has resumed. I am now stuck between exhausted and frustrated. Throw into the mix a heaping pile of stress, and I find myself easily agitated. Which in itself agitates me.

Project for... someone

2011-12-14T21:28:00.001-05:00

Someone should explore the ethics of running with a strobe light. How much danger does this impose on drivers? Or is more of a matter of I finally won't get hit by a damn car!

Neat-o

2011-12-14T21:27:00.002-05:00

Click here to see a really neat photo. Do make sure you read the caption, though.

Highly recommended video

2011-12-13T22:31:00.004-05:00

I posted this a long time ago but I think it deserves another mention...

This (click here) is very cute and VERY funny.

I was singing it to my sister the other day.

Me: "I do a really good Elmo, eh?"

Sis: "Yes, not so much Andrea Bocelli, but you've definitely nailed Elmo's bit."

HAHAHAHHA! Seriously, watch it.

Day of magic

2011-12-13T21:16:00.008-05:00

I had one of those magical days where everything went swimmingly.

(1) I was given 9 days to do something. I managed to get it done in 2. And while I love a good challenge, I am not a huge fan of the accompanying stress. (To illustrate how un-stressed I normally am: [1] Just last year, my massage therapist told me I had absolutely no knots in my body. She assured me that it is very rare to be knot-free. [2] Until two weeks ago, I had been white-hair-free since 1988. [3] This explains my youthful good looks!) The stress of finishing this task by the deadline seriously disrupted my sleep. I woke up at 5 a.m. this morning thinking it was my normal wake-up time of 6:30 (it being as dark out at 6:30 as it is at 5:00 doesn't help). The night before, I woke up at 2 a.m., thinking it was 6:30. And night before that, I woke up at 4:00 a.m. And every single time I was rather annoyed that it wasn't time to wake up so I can get shit done.

(2) Koach and LK are back from holidays, meaning when I emailed them with news of my next big challenge, they replied right away with words of encouragement.

(3) I may or may not have a Skype date with WK next week! (The mere possibility of a Skype date with him excites me to no end.)

(4) I won The Apple Challenge. PC asserted that [apple skin = apple flesh]. I said, "Homeboy, no way." And then I asked a guy who grew up on an apple orchard and he confirmed that [apple skin ≠ apple flesh]. Justina, 1; PC, can suck it.

(5) I had dinner with an old friend, who offered to help me cope with the stress of my next challenge.

Dear Tomorrow, I'm sure you have no chance in hell of beating Today in terms of awesomeness.

Work parties

2011-12-13T21:08:00.006-05:00

Do you find you're playing the "So what is your work holiday party like?" game with your friends?

This week, I've heard of:

- private companies giving out TVs and basketball tickets
- bowling parties (Ugh! But apparently if you're stuck talking to someone you dislike, you can always say, "Can't talk now -- it's my turn to bowl!")
- having to pay for your own lunch at a iffy chain restaurant (Double ugh's!)

I had hoped to be invited to an ugly Christmas sweater party. It does not look like that's in my destiny. Le sigh.

And all 5 people I polled agreed that there is a strict 2 drink maximum for work functions.

A first for this blog

2011-12-13T20:47:00.007-05:00

I only post 2 types of photos on this blog: ones taken by me, and ones of me taken by someone else.

Anyway, I was looking at AM's photos from his trip to Japan (I have this obsessive need to look at each and every photo) and came across one I really liked. AM was kind enough to send me a copy of the photo:

Sexy as fuck, eh?

AM writes beautifully. Like, I want to hug his blog.

Holiday season at the mall = unpleasant

2011-12-11T19:14:00.004-05:00

Here's how I cope with being at the mall during the holiday season:

(1) Make sure I eat as soon as I feel myself getting hungry. But not too much because I don't want to try on clothes with a food baby. (Hhahah!)
(2) When I feel like I am on the verge of panicking and/or snapping at the next random that bumps into me or stops abruptly while walking ahead of me, I say to myself, "It's okay. Don't freak out. It'll be okay. JUST DON'T TALK TO ANYONE." (This works wonders.)

What is up with trying to get a camisole, only to find out that they are all of the slimming variety? Universe, are you trying to send me a message?

You're making me blush

2011-12-11T10:23:00.006-05:00

Here's the thing about this blog: I am hoping at least one person in the Universe reads it. But, when it comes down to it, I do blog for myself. Blogging allows to get some of my thoughts and ideas out of my head, to make room for new ones. My brain can literally spit out questions and ideas non-stop. It is exhausting at times, but I have yet to learn how to quiet my mind. (Which isn't necessarily a bad thing, right?)

I actually don't know who reads this blog (regularly, or at all).

The funny thing is, when someone tells me they've read my blog, I do become embarrassed* for a number of reasons:

Reason #1
This is one of the few blogs out there that isn't about babies or food. It's about my neurotic thoughts, observations (seriously, why is there one white pigeon in every flock of pigeon?), comments, weird food pictures, etc, etc. All this easily makes me come off as an egomaniac.

Reason #2
I fear whoever tells me they've read my blog will pull the "Justina, you've totally exaggerated the story" card. I saw this one coming and defended myself back in 2006. Click here for my defense.

Reason #3
I fear whoever tells me they've read my blog will pull the "Justina, that's not how the conversation went" card. I've already explained my (mis)use of quotation marks here.

***
I'm embarrassed regardless of who tells me they've read my blog (this, in no way, means you should stop telling me).

I was embarrassed when NSB emailed me to say she read the post on KT's email sign-off. (See reason #1). It was very sweet of her to say that the post made her miss KT and me. Fingers crossed for a reunion in 2012! xo

I was embarrassed when my sister referred to my blog in passing. (See reasons #2 and #3 because if anyone is going to bust me for exaggerating and mis-quoting, it'll likely be my sister... or LK.).

I was embarrassed when LK told me she noticed I hadn't blogged in months. (The reason her observation caused embarrassment was because I had previously told her I couldn't bring myself to blog anymore. She assured me that the dry spell would be fleeting. And by the time she observed my non-blogging, I had pretty much recovered, but still couldn't bring myself to blog. She flat out called me out on that one, which I will always appreciate.)

*It should be noted that I don't experience embarrassment the way most people do. Because that would require knowing what shame is. Hhahaha! I don't know, it's just different for me. I'm like Teflon when it comes to certain things.

Wee!

2011-12-11T10:06:00.002-05:00

"Justina, I like that you vary the length of your sentences, as well as your sentence structure."

This, apparently, makes for a more interesting and fun read. ¡Bueno!

On the "I Need to Know" list

2011-12-11T09:09:00.008-05:00

I woke up this morning, really pumped to tackle my To Do List (bloody hell, is it ever long!). I looked at my clock and umm... it was 4 a.m. (!!!)

As I debated whether or not to get out of bed at 4 a.m. to do some stuff (I seriously considered this option), I thought, "How do pumpkins seeds and sunflower seeds get deshelled? Is it by machine? Or by people who don't salivate? And if it's by a machine... does the machine look like a mouth? I NEED TO KNOW WHAT THIS MACHINE LOOKS LIKE."

On a related note, when I was seven, my dad taught me how to crack walnuts with my hands. (The secret is to hold two walnuts in your hand and crush them against each other. Wow, I must have had pretty big hands for seven-year-old!) I quickly learned that I was able to crack them with my teeth as well. I thought my dad would be beaming with pride when I showed off my trick. But I believe his reaction was: "!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! DON'T DO THAT!!!"

Jesus, maybe this is why my teeth are so gappy?!

Oh, the crap that young people say

2011-12-11T09:07:00.002-05:00

My young friend was disappointed. One of his friends said to him, "I know our friendship won't last. It'll just fade out."

Ummm...WTF. However true that might be, what kind of tacky ass person says this shit out loud?

I assured him she isn't the type of person he wants to have a lasting friendship with anyway.

Packing headaches

2011-12-10T20:08:00.013-05:00

Normally when I pack, I fire off a string of emails/texts to LK. Since she is not due back till tomorrow, I have no one to freak out to. Oh, except, I HAVE A BLOG.

So here are the messages I would have sent to LK if she were here.

To be updated by the minute... or second.

20:09 - WTF. I seem to have misplaced one of my cameras. How the hell is this even possible?

20:10 - Do you think the antibiotics from my last trip have expired? Because I really can't be bothered to go to the doctor's for a new prescription. Fuck it, I'll just take it with me. If it's expired... well, what's the worst thing that could happen from taking expired antibiotics, right? RIGHT?

20:26 - AH! I got these eye drops for the plane. I just put a drop in each eye and they are burning! This cannot be good.

20:27 - Do you think I'll make friends with my suppositories? LOL!

20:30 - My shampoo, condition, and body wash add up to about 20 pounds! I wish they sold UK-sized bottles here.

20:44 - I have an idea: you should come with me!

20:47 - I really can't find my camera.

20:52 - Packing makes me sleepy. Or maybe it's all that turkey I had for lunch. I had a turkey medallion! It looked very un-medallion. I was like, "This is what a turkey medallion looks like? I had no idea. I'm new to meat."

20:58 - Not only am I missing a camera, I'm missing a bunch of memory cards as well! Argh. Fuck it, I'm done packing for tonight.

21:12 - I found my camera!!! It was in its usual spot. Hee, hee.

Do NOT let this happen to me

2011-12-10T19:13:00.002-05:00

Dear Universe,

Please do not ever let a guy propose to me simply because he thinks it's time to settle down.

Cheers,
Justina
xo

***

I do not ever want to hear the following about a guy who is about to propose to me: "He bought a ring because he's getting up there in age and figures it's time to get married."

Speak now or forever hold your peace.

2011-12-10T19:07:00.004-05:00

I was at at group discussion of sorts.

Afterwards, the moderator says to me, "It's difficult when everyone has their own opinion."

I wasn't sure what to say since I was one of the few people who had spoken up!

I responded with, "Well, only <insert names of five people> and I spoke. And those are the opinionated people so regardless of what happened, and whether or not you liked it, we each would have said something."

It should be noted that in workshops/classroom settings, I am always the one with the annoying questions/comments. But you know what's more annoying? People who have the very same questions but don't want to ask! You make me look like a giant ass.

Lessons, so many lessons

2011-12-10T18:41:00.005-05:00

I threw my god damn neck out yesterday. I was making fun of someone and tossed my head back while laughing. Mid-laugh, I realized I had tossed my head back too quickly/far back.

For a couple of hours after that, I could not move my neck. I was convinced that my Lesson du J0ur was to STOP MAKING FUN OF PEOPLE.

By dinnertime, I was back to normal. That's when I realized my Lesson du Jour was, in fact, to NOT TOSS MY HEAD BACK WHILE LAUGHING AT SOMEONE.

By bedtime though, my neck was sore once again. It was so bad I actually wanted to vomit from the pain.

That reminded me of the last time I threw my neck out. I had scheduled an appointment with my massage therapist in hopes of getting better ASAP. During the entire massage, she was telling me about her existential crisis. I felt bad because who does she really get to talk to all day? So I listened. But, damn it, I was in so much pain I literally wanted to throw up, and here she is, telling me about her obese loser ex-boyfriend and this new older man.

It wasn't until I yelped in pain that she said, "Oh, I'm sorry. You're in pain and here I am talking about myself."

Lesson of that day: Verbal cues, they work.

I don't know how to stop

2011-12-10T18:16:00.006-05:00

I go through this cycle in life.

I'll have an incredibly crammed schedule for a few months (during which people will call me a machine because I don't [know how to] stop), and then have these couple of weeks where I can feel my body and mind begging for rest.

And then it starts all over again.

I'm not complaining; in fact, I thrive on this pattern.

I'm currently in a three-day lull. Come Monday, it will be non-stop until I leave for Chile on the 21st. Which is why I need to start packing tonight. Seriously. (Fear not, I will still try to blog four days a week, and I've already written my year-end wrap-up, so I'll post that right before I leave. Hahhaha!)

I was Skyping with my friend a couple of weeks ago, during which he was complaining about not getting enough rest. I said, "Suck it up -- sleep is for the weak."

So, there you go. I'm not even of the "I can sleep when I'm dead" school of thought.

Thumbs up

2011-12-10T17:59:00.001-05:00

I enjoy this photo very much!

Hugs -- just get it right the first time, okay?

2011-12-09T21:23:00.004-05:00

What's more disappointing? Finding out that your friend gives shitty hugs or limp-ass handshakes?

Personally, I think hugs because:
(1) I like hugs
(2) I don't normally shake my friend's hands other than the "Let's compare handshakes" game

But if my friend has a limp-ass handshake... that's for the world to judge. Because only so many people judge your hugs. Actually, I'm not sure if a lot of people judge hugs. But, me, I judge.

Well, I judge, period. But I also judge hugs specifically.

Ah, yes, of course I've blogged about HOW to hug. Click here for instructions.

Also unearthed this while searching the blog. I wonder how sales are going.

On this one-person team, I am Koach's MVP, no?

2011-12-09T21:07:00.005-05:00

LK and Koach are back in two days! They will be happy to know that I have survived their absence despite not finding five temporary friends, each of whom I would offload 20% of my ridiculousnes to, which is normally split 50/50 between LK and Koach.

I'm thrilled they'll be back. Change is around the corner and I don't think I can get through it without LK's hand-holding (which usually takes the form of: "J, I know it's not what you what to hear, but it's how it is.") and Koach yelling at me.

Funny story: I was having problems with my internet provider (i.e. I didn't have internet for a week, they sent a tech when I said I wouldn't be home, cancelled my service called because I wasn't home WHEN I SAID I WOULDN'T BE HOME, etc, etc). I called the Internet folks and the rep was really rude to me. I called LK to complain. Koach was next to her. He jumped on the phone to tell me to call the Internet people back ASAP, to file a complaint, and demand that I be comped. I'm not the complaining type so Koach offered to yell at the provider for me.

Me: "They won't believe you're a Justina."

Koach: "What? Are they actually going to say that to me? Then I'll accuse them of calling me manly and get you an even bigger compensation!"

I manned up and called.

While I'm on the phone, he texted me from LK's phone:

Koach here. Keywords include: unacceptable, ridiculous, loyal customer.

The Customer Service Rep offered to comp me for the week I didn't have Internet. I didn't have the heart to let Koach down over the phone so I chickened and and texted him.

He wrote back:

A week only? That's bullshit. That's a given for services unrendered. They should comp you for fucking up the time and being rude to you.

I have a good Koach, yeah?

Cringing, all around

2011-12-09T20:51:00.003-05:00

I can't decide what's more annoying: someone making a big deal about my height or a short man making short man jokes the moment you meet him.

With the former, it's annoying because:
(a) I really don't think I'm tall enough to have a big deal made over my height.
(b) I don't have a perception of height - to me practically everyone is the same height. Unless you're 6'4" or a child, we're the same height.
(c) I guess while I do like attention, I don't like the kind of attention derived from my height because I'm seriously not tall.

With the short man jokes:
(a) I get it, you're insecure, but we just met.
(b) I'm not sure if you actually want me to laugh at your jokes.
(c) Everyone should probably exercise some self-deprecation, but constant short man jokes make people uncomfortable, no?

Oh, The Breakfast Club. Now that was a good movie.

2011-12-09T20:39:00.004-05:00

I was in a very peculiar social setting last night.

Table of about 10 adults in their 30's. Only a couple of people knew a couple of other people. It wasn't as serious as a work setting, but wasn't nearly as relaxed as a night out with friends. Also, it was alcohol-free. (No, it wasn't speed dating.)

What started off as awkward and slightly uncomfortable quickly became the opposite. I don't know, I guess it was kind of like The Breakfast Club? HAHHAA! (Not quite!)

And I must admit that it is kind of endearing for socially awkward men to admit that they are socially awkward and don't know how to talk to women. (Please note, I did specify "kind of". My sympathy for the socially awkward fluctuates because I myself can be quite awkward.)

You're not born into all families

2011-12-09T20:36:00.001-05:00

I have a Saturday family. I see them four hours a week, from late fall to early spring. It is great fun, and my actual sister is there too!

My Saturday family makes me realize that I really am a people person. It's a big enough group that I can get away with being the mildly obnoxious younger sister who bosses people around. That said, I also don't let anyone get away with bullying my family!

Tomorrow's Saturday, yeh!

Old age, showing

2011-12-09T20:29:00.007-05:00

I went to a concert the other night. I was expecting 3-4 guys, mostly acoustic. Instead, I got 9 guys on stage, and there were brass instruments, two sets of drums, etc, etc.

And I thought, "Fuck, this is loud."

Immediately followed by, "Fuck, I'm old."

To my right, was a May-December couple. I was very taken aback when I saw the man's face. It was very... crevassed, let's just say.

To my left, was The "Woo!" Guy. Every song, every spoken word from the lead singer got a "Woo!" out of this guy. I almost feel like his 6-out-of-10 face was wasted on him. (Sounds horrible, I know! But he wasn't Woo-ing it up next to your face. And had he smelled like he had showered some time within the week, he probably would have had a 7-out-of-10 face.)

Ha!

2011-12-09T20:28:00.005-05:00

"You volunteer the way I music."

That is, often.

And music in this case = attend band practice.

? <-- picture in font size 20

2011-12-06T22:47:00.004-05:00

I told my friend I'd check in on his sanity this week. So I texted him earlier tonight.

And he writes back some crazy ass shit. In his mind:

his sanity this week > his sanity last week.

I suppose this is true. But... it's just that compared to regular people sanity, his sanity is still what I'm going to call BIG TIME QUESTION MARK.

Must I be the rationale adult?

2011-12-06T22:35:00.007-05:00

What's up with having to comfort others when you're the one who receives upsetting news?

I was dealt quite a blow today. My friend swore up and down that he would protest the injustice, that he would hate on people, blah blah blah.

I said, "No. Don't go hating on people who don't deserve it. It's not his fault. It's the system's. So we will not be mean to him because that would not be the right thing to do."

Friend: "Fuck that. You gotta watch out for yourself in this world because no one else is looking out for you."

Me: "Well, I have you watching out for me!"

I hate it when my Life Lessons (of which I have many... or maybe I'm mistaking them for anecdotes... hmmm...) fall on deaf ears. I need a hug. Time for Vick's Vaporub!

Not so much a New Year's Resolution, but an End of Year one

2011-12-06T20:19:00.003-05:00

Now that I need to be semi-serious about finishing up my writing certificate, I will make it my goal to blog at least four days a week.

It feels good to be able to blog regularly again. Because for a long, long time, I was on the verge of giving up writing altogether.

A record!

2011-12-06T20:12:00.002-05:00

My 82-hour vomit-free session has ended. But the point is that I didn't throw up for THREE AND A HALF DAYS.

This must be a record!

My only hope is that some time in 2012 I can wean myself off my stomach meds. Because I'm still having a hard time wrapping my head around the idea of taking medication to help my body coordinate the act of swallowing. The stomach acid meds, I get, but this swallowing thing, not so much.

I think I'll celebrate by going to bed at 10:30 tonight!

Who can resist singing veg

2011-12-05T22:34:00.005-05:00

Do not make fun of me for posting this, but the first 30 seconds of this is cute!

It's a kids show that my friend watches with her one-year-old.

I tried to watch the actual show, but I think it really is meant for children because I had to stop it right away. But that theme song! It's too cute.

BTW

2011-12-05T22:28:00.003-05:00

For someone with a touch of OCD, self-editing can become quite consuming. ARGH!

It's not funny if I have to explain it

2011-12-05T22:17:00.003-05:00

Me: "I'm the opposite of menopausal today because I have the chills. That makes me women-o-pausal!"

Blank stares, all around.

Me: "Get it? The chills is the opposite of hot flashes? Women-o-pausal is the opposite of menopausal?

Blank stares, all around.

Fuck, tough crowd, eh?!

Gifted

2011-12-05T22:13:00.003-05:00

The Universe has decided to offset my incredibly short attention span with a remarkable memory.

I can remember the most minute details of someone's life. I can even regurgitate conversations, verbatim.

The former can creep people out, and the latter isn't too helpful when the other person refuses to believe what I'm telling them they said.

In other words: the Universe has not gifted me with much.

Oh, right, other than my killer humour and irresistible charm. Thanks, Universe! I'll stop complaining now.

I need arm floaties

2011-12-05T22:11:00.002-05:00

I've signed up for winter swimming lessons!

TM: "Justina, I think you know how to swim. Stop signing up for lessons and just practice at the pool!"

Me: "I can't. I need supervision."

TM: "There are lifeguards at lane swim."

Me: "No, I need more attention than what a lifeguard on lane swim duty can provide."

TM: "Then sign up for one-on-one private lessons."

Me: "No. That's too much attention."

Hhahaha! Argh, I've just realized Koach will be mad when I tell him I've signed up for swimming lessons. He was the first one to tell me I already know how to swim and should stop with this non-sense called lessons. But of course when I suggested that we do a relay triathlon, with him swimming, LK riding, and me running, he wanted to switch with me!

Justina, Code Cracker

2011-12-05T22:03:00.001-05:00

Ages ago, I suggested that you list out all your flaws on cue cards and give them to people who may end up being a major part of your life. That way, they know in advance what they're getting into. (Click here for the original post.)

My idea never took off. (Shocking!)

Enter, The Code Cracker.

PC was telling me, actually, he insisted, that he is a giant asshole. I refused to believe it. Because he seems like a nice enough guy, and giant assholes never appear as "nice enough".

So I said to him, "I don't buy this giant asshole thing. In fact, you're probably a really nice guy. My first work husband was the nicest guy ever*, but always maintained that he was an asshole. Anyway, I am now on a mission to crack your code. By Christmas. I'll do it, I will!"

*My first work husband was not only the nicest guy ever, he was the darling of the department. Just to show you how nice he was, I basically coerced him into a work marriage and he didn't put up a fight.

Me: "I'm a Work Widow now that KT, my original Work Spouse, has moved out to the West Coast. You are now my Work Husband."

LP: "Umm... okay...?"

I miss him.

Ack, people

2011-12-05T21:58:00.000-05:00

"Mean girl" tactics are awful. And absolutely heinous and unacceptable when used by a middle-aged woman on a kid half her age.

Pick on someone your own age, you crazy bitch!

On a somewhat related note: I saw this woman screaming at her dog. Make that her guide dog. She was shouting at him to go faster. It was horrible.

Doe, a deer, a female deer

2011-12-04T23:12:00.003-05:00

AN told me I can't sing.

Me: "How can you say that?"

AN: "Trust me. I've heard you sing."

Me: "Just because you're in two bands does not make you an expert on this. Let me sing for you now!"

AN: "Please don't. I'm eating."

The next day I meet a music producer and offered to sing for him. He was definitely up for it, but I chickened out. He says we should karaoke.

Can I make friends with my singing? *Chin scratch*

The best is when I'm out with AM. All it takes is a couple of drinks and we're singing songs from The Sound of Music. At the bar. Where all our friends stare in mortification/embarrassment. And other patrons desperately want to join in. (But, of course!)

Boys versus Girls

2011-12-04T23:00:00.006-05:00

A couple of guys and I were discussing life after 30. It became quite clear that men and women have differing observations on aging.

The boys: "I can't drink as much as I used to! Now it's like, 'Bud Light, please.'"

Me: "I started getting crow's feet. And I found a white hair yesterday." And as an afterthought, just to fit in: "And my tolerance is pathetic now -- considering, too, that vodka was my first love!"

Really, though, this just shows how much I love to talk. I like to have the last word. And the second last word. And the third last word. Hhahah!

I made an announcement a couple of weeks ago: "I love to talk. I could talk all day, every day!"

Fifteen minutes after this little declaration, there was an addendum: "My love of talking means I am prone to foot-in-mouth disease." Because, within the span of those fifteen minutes, I managed to put my foot in my mouth. Repeatedly.

One word: rabies

2011-12-04T19:45:00.004-05:00

In another life (i.e. 2 years ago) I had staring contests with squirrels (insanity documented here).

A couple of weeks ago, I looked at this squirrel and became really afraid. Squirrels, if you look carefully, have ginormous thighs. Proportionally, I think squirrel thighs are bigger than those of Olympic sprinters.

You need to wonder what squirrels and their thighs are capable of:

(1) Sprinting towards you at great speed
(2) Jumping up to your face
(3) Kicking you in the neck/chin while biting your face

For about a week after my thigh discovery, I would fixate on one squirrel on the way to work (not one particular squirrel, but just whichever one was closest to me when I realized I should look for a squirrel and scare myself stupid), stare at it, and then look away from fear.

Their resemblance to rats doesn't help.

Big news in the omnivore world

2011-12-04T19:36:00.002-05:00

I had a burger on Friday.

I was in search of lunch and AN ran up next to me on the street. (I love spontaneous lunch dates!)

Me: "What should I order?"

AN: "I'm getting a burger. You should get one too."

Me: "Why's that?"

AN: "Because it'll take them the same amount of time to make both our lunches and neither of us will have to wait for the other."

It was quite tasty and I didn't throw it up, hurray!

Ugh, this is what I get for bragging

2011-12-04T19:27:00.003-05:00

Less than 24 hours after bragging about not having a single white hair, I FOUND A WHITE HAIR.

I was disturbed.

Then friends were telling me that they've had white hair (more than ONE -- ugh!) for years.

Life at the age of 31 really is just as stressful as it was at 8.

Le sigh.

Stop weirding me out

2011-12-01T22:20:00.004-05:00

Some people are weirded out that I'll be doing Chile on my own. That weirds me out.

Here's the thing:
- I can count on one hand the number of people I am willing to travel with for a weekend. But there's only one or two people I am willing to travel with for weeks on end. And, for better or worse, LK and I have had different plans and schedules for the past four years, and I'm not waiting around until the next Dream Travel Companion comes around.
- I am the Dream Travel Companion (reasons outlined here), so I shouldn't have to settle for just anybody. Please, I've turned down people who want to travel with me.
- There's a fine line between adventurous and stupid. And I've (finally) decided to be on the right side of the line and not go hiking in the woods on my own for 4 days.
- I'm practically fluent in Spanish (read: I am delusional).
- Solo traveling offers freedom and independence. I see what I want, I eat where I want, I can do any stupid shit that I want (like that time I was in Mexico and attempted to navigate public transport on my own and missed my stop by 30 km -- it turns out that while my Spanish is fluent... the locals didn't quite understand my accent).

Anyway, it is time to stop blogging and book myself some Chilean bus tickets. The website is in Spanish, so *fingers crossed*! Hahahhha!

Another year without hair dye, check

2011-12-01T22:11:00.002-05:00

Me, pointing to spot on my head: "I think I have a white hair!"

TM, inspecting: "No, it's just the light."

Me: "Phew! I haven't had a white hair since 1988."

TM: "When you were 45?"

Me: "Yeah!"

But, seriously, wouldn't it be funny if life at 31 is as stressful as life at 8? Hhahhha!

P.S. I worried a lot as a child.

Swimming Adventures = hilarity

2011-12-01T21:53:00.005-05:00

For the past nine weeks, I've blasted the boys with my Swimming Adventures:

- "I almost drowned in the shallow end. I was trying to coordinate the limb action required for the breast stroke and I damn well nearly drowned."
- "My whip kick is not looking so hot. At first, I was barely moving. Then I would just stay in the same spot. And, last night, while doing whip kick, I was moving BACKWARDS. Teacher says he has never seen anything like it."
- "This lady who should not be naked in public was showering naked across from me. It really scared me. Maybe this is the universe's way of telling me I will never learn how to swim." (WK had the best response to this: "No, this is the universe's way of saying, 'Hurry your ass up and learn how to swim!'")
- "We did dives. Well, everyone else did. I belly flopped into the water and my body screamed from the pain."
- "Teacher says I need to practice breathing on both sides. I argued that I can only breathe on my right side and that she should be happy I can breathe at all. She made me try breathing on my left side. I tried, I did, in the shallow end, and swallowed a gallon of water."
- "I don't know know what happened last night. I freaked out every time I approached the line (dividing the shallow end from the deep end)."
- "My front crawl was really good last night! I think it's because I dedicated it to my love for KT!" (It's true - prior to that one class, I emailed KT, a lifeguard in her youth, and told her I was scared of the deep end. I told her I would dedicate my front crawl to our love. And that night, I rocked it! In case you're wondering, such dedications turn out to be a one-time deal -- subsequent dedications did not make me freak out less.)
- "I treaded water! For ten seconds!"
- "I treaded water! For a whole minute!"
- "This guy in my class said my back stroke looks really good. But this is coming from someone who thrashes in the water, so is it really a compliment? Seriously, it looks like he's being attacked by a shark every time he swims."

Anyway, all my swimming talk inspired TM to go swimming! Yeh, me!

Stop aging me!

2011-12-01T21:52:00.000-05:00

EG has called me a "fountain of knowledge" twice within the span of a month.

It kind of makes me cringe!

Minimal is best

2011-12-01T21:39:00.004-05:00

When it comes to accessories/jewellery, I don't like anything other than a watch (always black) and a ring on the right middle finger (which is why I've let the holes in my ears close, taken out the tongue ring, and while I was devastated when my bracelet broke off, I relished in not having anything around my wrist all the time).

I realized a couple of days ago why I love my ring. For one, it's a square (because I am such a square, hahahhaha! But, seriously, how many square rings have you seen?). But, it's also because I bought it the last time I traveled with LK, which was in 2008! My god, that's coming on four years - it's unacceptable.

I remember Show and Tell!

2011-12-01T21:30:00.004-05:00

DD pulled a Ziploc bag out of his pocket. On the bag was his son's name written in magic marker. Inside the bag was a single quarter.

Me: "???"

DD: "He had 'Show and Tell' today. They each had to bring in something starting with the letter 'M'. So I gave this to him and said, 'Here, bring this -- it's money!'"

I'm getting ready to propose

2011-12-01T21:24:00.005-05:00

I'm long overdue for a work husband or a gay husband.

I may have finally found a contender for the latter. I was out with PGH (Possible Gay Husband) last night. We were making fun of someone's mistake. I was laughing really hard because it was funny and because I'm bitchy like that.

PGH: "I wouldn't laugh that hard. Remember your tryst in England?"

Me: "Bitch!"

PGH: "I have dirt on everyone."

I think I'm in love.

Conclusion: I am a good person

2011-12-01T21:02:00.010-05:00

I said to my friend, "I adore you as a friend, but you are a sleazebag. I want to punch you in the fucking face."

True story!

What conclusions can one draw from this?

(1) I am the speaker of truth.
(2) I am not the speaker of 100% truth because I actually wanted to punch him in the nuts.
(3) I am able to compartmentalize - I'm saying he's okay as a friend, but bad news as a potential suitor.
(4) If you lack self-awareness, I'll readily tell you what your problem is.
(5) I look out for possible victims of sleazebags. You know, much in the same way I look out for the public and its health (click here to [re-]visit my heroic attempts at saving the public).

And while I don't consider myself a "girls' girl" (I'm one with the PEOPLE - genderless, yeah, yeah!) I am definitely not one of the boys. So save your sleazy ass stories for the boys.

Me: "Okay, that's enough. Why don't you try telling all this to <insert name of mutual male friend>?"

Friend: "Why would I tell <insert name of mutual male friend>? He is incredibly fucked up when it comes to relationships."

Me: "I'm honoured -- amused, actually -- that you think it is possible for me to be less fucked up than <insert name of mutual male friend>, but that doesn't mean I want to hear the sordid details of your sleaze-baggery!"

Exercise some consideration

2011-12-01T21:00:00.002-05:00

"Ew, in the lunchroom and someone just microwaved what must be a container of farts. VOMIT."

That's what I wrote AM when I was in the lunchroom. Fine, if you want to eat food that smells like fart, DO IT AT HOME. Don't bring it to work, and most definitely do NOT microwave it. Ack.

Oi!

2011-11-29T23:29:00.000-05:00

I just said "whatever" and it came out with an Aussie accent. What's happening to my Californian accent? (Apparently, that's the accent I have. Except: I don't have an accent!)

I'm ready for my next challenge! Or not...

2011-11-29T23:15:00.002-05:00

People hear you're giving up vegetarianism and returning to the meaty dark side and the first question they ask is, "Have you had bacon?"

The consumption of bacon is apparently a milestone. Well, friends, I have completed that challenge.

Next, I have been tasked with Korean BBQ. I don't know what sends me into a bigger panic: eating all that meat, having my clothes smell of meat afterwards, looking at raw meat, or having to cook.

I used to rather enjoy cooking. But since all this crazy stomach stuff happened two years ago, I now find cooking to be a bloody chore. And on my bad days, eating seems labourious and pointless.

Me, crazy? Never.

2011-11-29T20:09:00.006-05:00

Most of my daily interactions are now with guys. Which you could argue makes me more easy going. But not really because by default, I'm the hormonal and emotional one. And maybe even the token Crazy?

Case in point:

A few weeks ago, I saw some kids roasting an animal on the street. Now I don't need to see a skinned animal on a spit, especially at 8:30 in the morning. Also, the animal had a really concave stomach. My only conclusion: IT WAS A GREYHOUND.

I emailed Koach, LK, CL, all of whom asked if the kids had a permit.

I had no idea. So I went back a couple of hours later to make sure the kids were still there and then I called Public Health. Only, umm... I had the wrong number.

When lunch time came around, I made Boy #1 check things out. He reported that the kids were roasting a lamb.

Which solved the greyhound question, but what about the issue of ROASTING AN ANIMAL IN PUBLIC SPACE AND PROBABLY WITHOUT A LICENSE AND EVEN IF THEY HAD A LICENSE THERE PROBABLY WASN'T A CERTIFIED FOOD HANDLER?

So, again, I called Public Health. Twice. And umm... both times I got the wrong number. Jesus, I can't even play the CONCERNED CITIZEN properly.

None of the boys were too pleased about my phone calls.

Boy #1 said, "It's fine. It's a lamb."

I confronted him: "Do you think I'm crazy? DO YOU THINK I'M CRAZY? I'm just trying to protect the public, the public's health!!!"

Boy #1: "No, no, you're not crazy."

"Good," I said with a decidedly don't-call-me-crazy look in my eyes.*

Boy #2 said, "Justina, don't go against The Meat. It will only come back to bite you in the ass. Remember that time the deli tried to sell you bagels that were 2 weeks past the expiry date?" (Yes, and then I called Public Health on them because WTF!)

Boy #3 said, "You did what? That's it, I'll never ask you out." (How presumptuous of him to think I want to go out with a really attractive guy!)

Koach was the only boy on my side: "Yeah, report those kids." (Though it is likely he just hates kids more than he does offenders of public health.)

*My secret talent is making people say, and maybe even believe, what I want to hear. Note that LK has a special talent of resisting this particular talent of mine. This makes for a lasting friendship.

Most people panic, I just throw the alarm out

2011-11-29T20:01:00.004-05:00

My fire alarm started chirping in the middle of the night, so I got a replacement battery.

Which makes a lot more sense than what I did when my carbon monoxide alarm went off... I couldn't decide if it was telling me that I was going to die a slow death or if the battery was running low. So I threw it out and bought a new one. It was only when the new one didn't go off that I realized I wasn't going to die.

Clever, yeah?

Hhaha, oh, Grade 8!

2011-11-28T22:48:00.006-05:00

In Grade 8, I had a crush on this guy in my class. It didn't matter to me that he (1) had to repeat Grade 7; (2) smelled like pee all the time. [Sidebar: JESUS CHRIST, WHAT THE HELL WAS WRONG WITH ME? I am actually laughing at my 13-year-old self right now!]

To this day, I remember the exact moment when my crush came to an effective end.

We were coming back from French class and he was singing "(I'm Gonna Be) 500 Miles" by The Proclaimers. (Which I loved, loved, LOVED!)

Immediately after singing "I would walk 500 miles", he said, "500 miles?! Please. I wouldn't even walk one mile for any girl."

Right there, crush OVER.

Parenting Quote of the Day

2011-11-28T22:46:00.000-05:00

DD says to me, "I hit the biggest parenting milestone. My 4-year-old son has just learned to wipe his ass. This is infinitely better than when he took his first step!"

Needy makes me cringe

2011-11-28T22:20:00.004-05:00

I recently met GB's husband for the first time. He is a lovely person and won all of us over (fact: we are a tough, tough crowd).

It makes me happy when a friend of mine is one-half of a very well-matched couple.

I've noticed a pattern though...

I'll meet a female friend's boyfriend/husband and like him, even let him make fun of me at the first meeting (I'm giving like that), and be really happy for my friend.

Then there's this reoccurring theme, though, where I meet a male friend's girlfriend and think she is a complete bitch. And I am sad for my friend because he deserves better, and disappointed because he's with such a insufferable bitch.

There was this awkward encounter last year with Smug Bastard (click here). I was sitting next to Smug Bastard, chatting. His bitchy and needy girlfriend was not pleased. So she dragged a really heavy chair next to him, and as we're chatting, she literally drapes herself onto his lap. She didn't contribute to the conversation from his lap. She was just there, making sure I knew he was taken.

I wanted to say, "I am not here to boyfriend poach you. (1) He's a smug bastard. (2) He is asexual to me. (3) NO ONE WOULD HIT THIS. (4) He's a smug bastard."

Please do spell it out for me. And then give me five hours to react.

2011-11-28T21:59:00.003-05:00

My friend pointed out that this guy who both know is a smug bastard.

Me: "Him? No way."

Friend: *list examples*

Me: "Huh."

It's been five hours since my friend listed the examples and it's only now that I'm a little irritated by the Smug Bastard's smugness! At least this goes to show how little I think of irrelevant people, yeah?

Hhahha, glasses!

2011-11-27T19:53:00.005-05:00

I may be the only person who finds this funny...

I saw the funniest looking dog the other day. It was some sort of White Fang* with a white face. But it had some black hair on its face, and the black hair was arranged so that they were triangles around his eyes. It looked like he was wearing glasses! I was chuckling about this all the way home.

Apologies for the amateur-looking artwork. I'm kind of rusty in this department.

*I only know of 6 types of dogs:

(1) Comet (from the TV show Full House)
(2) Eddie (from the TV show Fraiser)
(3) White Fang (from the movie White Fang)
(4) LK's dog
(5) German Shepherd
(6) Greyhound

Which is quite an extensive knowledge, especially when compared to the types of cats I know of:

(1) fat
(2) skinny

Here's a tip

2011-11-27T19:44:00.003-05:00

Here's a tip if you don't want to become a creepy old man:

Do NOT say to a lady, "You look like you <insert name of a sport that requires minimal/tight clothing>. You have the figure for it."

Humanoid robots

2011-11-27T19:35:00.005-05:00

It's odd when something happens to a bunch of robotic people, and it humanizes them. There's an epiphany: Oh, they actually are people!

Now, I'm not saying you have to be emotional and animated all the time (because then you'd be... well, me. Ha!) but fuck, do you have to be such an insensitive robot bitch all the time?

Click

2011-11-27T19:22:00.005-05:00

I can literally spend hours looking at photographs.

There are a number of reasons for this:

(1) I'm a visual person.
(2) I'm fascinated by how photography can freeze these slivers of life. Candid shots (as opposed to landscape or posed photographs) will always have a special place in my heart. They showcase the beauty in seemingly mundane things, and capture a certain brand of human emotion that is nearly impossible to describe.
(3) Certain photographs let your imagination run wild. What happened immediately before the shot was taken? What about afterwards? What was going out right outside the frame? What's happened to the subject since the photo was taken years ago?
(4) Photographs evoke memories like nothing else.

Adult diapers? No, thanks.

2011-11-27T19:14:00.004-05:00

This has been the longest day ever, no? And it's only 7:17!

I re-visited the post where I offered to pee on my friends. Hhahahah, click here to see. I used to be such an artist!

Eek!

2011-11-27T18:43:00.000-05:00

I've just realized that I have dozens of unpublished comments. I thought I had it set up so that they get published automatically. This does not seem to be the case.

I'm going through them as quickly as I can now!

It's kind of fun to see posts that people have commented on; as it turns out, I used to be quite funny!

The waiting game = unhappy Justina

2011-11-27T13:35:00.005-05:00

Avocados are one step below awesome. Why? Because it's not an instant gratification fruit -- i.e. you need to have the foresight to know when you'll want it.

On Friday, I decided I would make this a Me&Brie Weekend (it's been over a year since my last Me&Brie Weekend -- how criminal!). On Saturday morning, I realized that a brie and avocado sandwich would be very nice. But I didn't have an avocado, and any I would buy wouldn't be ripe for another 4-5 days.

So I had to settle for a grilled zucchini and brie sandwich. Which was mighty tasty, but damn, I wanted (and still want!) avocado. Argh.

Instant gratification fruit: watermelon

Foresight fruit: mango, banana, cantaloupe, nectarines

This may be why I prefer vegetables over fruit; there's less planning involved.

Absolute cutest

2011-11-27T13:33:00.002-05:00

Click here for the absolute cutest photo! Seriously, it makes my heart tingly with giddiness.

Small talk

2011-11-24T22:49:00.005-05:00

I hate small talk. This doesn't mean I'm necessarily bad at it. It's one of those things people think I like because I'm not bad at it (other examples: playing the "greeter" role; ice-breaker games).

But I actually hate small talk on most occasions.

Here's why: most people don't know how to do it properly. This leads to awkwardness that could have been prevented had they only known about The Rules of Small Talk. I shall make them up now and list them here:

1. Be interesting.
You owe it to the other person, yourself, and conversation itself to be at least mildly interesting. Sure, you probably aren't all that interesting , but do be considerate enough to make shit up. Or maybe if you lose that monotone, you can trick the other person into thinking you are interesting.

2. Be interested.
Being interested in what the other person has to say is very important. First and foremost: if you are ever stuck making small talk with this person at a later time (which is likely), you can ask follow-up questions to what they've just told you. And, really, it's just polite. Nod, smile, repeat a few key words. Ask questions. People love talking about themselves. If you are simply not interested (which is fair because going back to point #1, a lot of people are boring), you then have 2 options: (1) Suck it up and pretend to be interested. But make it believable. Otherwise, you're a rude bastard; (2) Change the topic so that you can hijack the conversation and talk about something that interests you. But don't be an arrogant punk ass. No one likes those.

3. Make eye contact.
Otherwise, you come across as sketchy.

4. Don't make TOO MUCH eye contact.
Staring, gawking, not knowing when to break gaze = not cool

5. Practice your story-telling skills.
Good story-telling captivates your audience. It fools the other person into thinking you're more interesting than you are.

I need to know this will all eventually come to an end

2011-11-24T21:36:00.006-05:00

I had a pretty awesome start to my day:

- I only had to snooze for 10 minutes (as opposed to my usual 30-40) when my alarm went off at 5:30.
- I had a really good run.
- I had time after my shower to cook breakfast (of eggs and whole wheat English muffins -- as opposed to my usual breakfast shake of blueberries, banana, Greek yogurt, and unsweetened almond milk).
- I emailed KT and NS, two of my favourite people who now live south of the border, to wish them a Happy (American) Thanksgiving and to tell them that I'm thankful for their friendship (I really am cheesy and sentimental like that).
- I found out that two other people at work share my year of birth. I am the oldest of the three, but I LOOK THE YOUNGEST (hahhaha!)

See, pretty awesome start to my day, right? And the rest of the day was looking pretty good as well:

- There would be a celebratory cake in the afternoon.
- My last swimming class was tonight. (Last Thursday swimming class, that is. I've been taking swimming on both Tuesdays and Thursdays for the past 9 weeks. All part of "Operation Conquer Childhood Fear of Drowning", but it does make for a very tiring schedule.)

Unfortunately, by 10 a.m., I had lost my breakfast. As I mentioned yesterday: now that I don't throw up multiple times a day, and can even go for two days without throwing up AT ALL, vomiting can really exhaust me.

But, no matter, I bounced back really quickly from my morning setback. Within half an hour, I was even chattier than I'd been all morning.

Lunch proved to be quite tasty and I was looking forward to the rest of the day.

But twenty minutes after lunch, I had to rush off with my toothbrush (the only thing that has saved my tooth enamel is my obsessive need to brush my teeth after every episode). The boys looked at me with concern, but I reassured them: "It's okay. It's just ONE BAD DAY."

It was an unexpected violent episode of lunch-losing. I felt I deserved a session of self-pity tears (it didn't end up happening). I had one of those "Fuck it, maybe I should just give up eating" moments.

I was drained, running on empty. And I was definitely not in the mood for small talk (the topic of small talk shall be covered shortly) when it was time for cake. I even thought about skipping swimming. TM said, "You'll feel bad if you skip class. Just show up and blow bubbles!"

The funny thing about all this is that I used to NEVER speak of my vomiting. Now that it's not a part of everyday life, I can't stop. My apologies.